Ever since I was a little boy growing up in suburban Buffalo, New York the Fourth of July, as we called it, was my favorite holiday. The boy can age into an old man and you can move him to another part of the country but in my case the favorite holiday hasn’t changed. Today I want to invite you along for a bit of fiction based on contemporary American politics.
Please note: The following is a work of political fiction.
The setting is a windowless meeting room that in the old days would have been smoke filled. In it are the real movers and shakers of the Republican Party all men with name badges that say: “Hello, My Name Is” under which they wrote their first name and the first letter of their last name. In all cases the nametag is unnecessary in this crowd.
A man with a nametag saying Kevin M. stood up in front of the room and said I’m calling this meeting to order. Our one and only order of business is to decide who we will back for the 2020 Republican presidential nomination. I suggest we begin with the qualities we want this man to possess and with that I’m opening it up for discussion. That said, he sat down, grabbed a pen and positioned a legal pad in front of himself.
A funny looking guy with a cowboy hat and a tag saying Roy M. stood up and said, “We need to nominate someone credibly accused of rape. That will keep the women in their place.”
There was no disagreement from the assembled.
David D. rose and said, “We need a racist; it will help motivate our base to show up.”
Chris C. from New Jersey didn’t bother to rise but just shouted “We need someone of substantial girth. A lot of old, white men will identify with him.”
Jim J. shouted, “We need someone in need of a tailor. I heard the Democrats were talking of making me bottom my top button, pulling up my tie and actually putting on a coat.”
Mike P. said, “I want someone who will give me a job”.
Duncan H. Jr. said, “We need someone with a track record of cheating on his wife especially if we can prove he used other people’s money doing it.”
Steve K. exclaimed. “We need a xenophobe. Those Mexicans are bringing tons of drugs into Iowa hidden on their skinny bodies after hiking hundreds of miles.”
When Charles K. rose to speak the room was silent in respect. “We need someone who doesn’t give a shit about the environment. If I can’t pillage the earth all of your money dries up.”
All around the room heads nodded in response.
Mitch M. chimed in, “We need someone who will keep the money flowing to my boys in the Senate. Given enough money I can get a turtle elected; in fact some say I already have.”
Polite chuckles followed.
“Staying on the money theme” Sheldon A. interjected, “We need someone who will defend my business interests. While they are at it I need them to put those pesky Palestinians in their place. I have a lot of friends in Israel that will finance financially questionable projects to grease the skids.”
Chris C. of New York saw the opportunity he was waiting for and pounced. “We need someone who is not afraid to get involved in a shady foreign deal and will be open to pardoning someone who gets caught in one.”
Devin N. said, “We need someone who will distract from our evil deeds with investigations. They are great for my screen time on Fox and their ratings.”
Louie G. added, “Devin is right. I need things to talk about even if they are not true and put my buddy George from North Carolina to sleep on national TV. Hell, it was C-SPAN and none of our voters watch that anyway.”
Chuckles and nods dominated the room.
Grover N. pronounced, “We don’t need any money wasted on education. All we need to teach is cursive. Like I said years ago we just need a president with enough working digits to hold a pen and sign his name to the legislation we send him.”
Mark M. sternly said. “I need someone I can get the Tea Party to support. They saved the Republican Party in 2010 and are still demanding payback.”
Steve B. said, “I don’t want anyone who will get caught up in the nuances of policy. We just need to destroy it all.”
Peter K. piped up, “Speaking of tearing things down I want someone who will promote Brexit and bring an end to that peace in Ireland by supporting Brexit.”
Paul M. enjoying a weekend on parole offered, “While we are on the topic of destroying things, we need someone who will let Vlad call the shots. He wants to destroy those pain-in-the-neck things like the EU and NATO to bring the west down to size. Plus, his boys have plenty of money to spread around and it’s laundered.”
Wilbur R. feebly added, “Paul you gave me a perfect segue and I’d be remiss not to add that we need someone comfortable with international money laundering at the top not just in the Cabinet.”
“While we’re talking business” Steve M. added, “We need someone who is comfortable with breaking and cheating on contracts. Someone who believes rules, norms and laws are for suckers. If they have any business ethics or morals we don’t want them.”
The gentlemanly Mitt R. rose to speak. “We have worked long and hard to rig the business system in our favor and we can’t let some liberal do-gooders come in and ruin that. I know it isn’t fair and hurts the little guy but we need to preserve our tax loopholes; first and foremost among them carried interest.”
Franklin G rose. “We need someone who isn’t afraid God will strike them down for using Christianity in a hypocritical way if it gets them where they want to go. Also, and speaking from personal experience, choosing a member of the Lucky Sperm Cell Club would be helpful.”
Mike P. nodded his silent agreement.
Kevin M. acting as Chair stood up and said, “OK, I’ve been making notes and we certainly have coved the bases. We need someone who is primarily motivated by greed, is a racist and a multifaceted bigot along with someone who will promote ignorance. We can’t have people capable of critical thinking, they will never vote for us. There is only one man that fits the bill; he is certainly available and willing to run. His name is Donald Trump.”
From somewhere in the back someone yelled, “I make a motion we adjourn.” The motion never came to a vote. A happy crew made their way toward the doors.
Trump is not an anomaly. He is a symptom of the disease that has infected the GOP. There are some who claim he doesn’t represent their party. Many more will jump on that bandwagon after he is gone. Malarkey! They chose him because he fit their needs and reflected their “values”.
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